


Through This World Without Having You

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Children, Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-14
Updated: 2007-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-31 09:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15116606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: "I love him so much I'm afraid if his heart stops beating, mine will too."





	Through This World Without Having You

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

It was a chilly, rainy Tuesday afternoon in early November. CJ sat at her desk, going over the schedule for the week. Her late morning staff meeting just ended and she had another hour before she would get the final draft of the speech she was giving at Ithaca College in ten days. Her cell phone buzzed; CJ looked at the display and saw it was Tim.

“Hey sweetie. What's up?”

“Mom, they're taking dad to the hospital.”

“What? Oh my God, what?”

“He was having trouble breathing and his pulse…he’s in an ambulance.”

CJ felt as if the world crumbled beneath her feet. This could not be happening again. She tried to keep herself together, breathe and maintain composure; it was difficult. If anyone but her 15-year-old son had been on the phone, CJ would have lost it.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. Winston was barking like crazy in the kitchen so I went to check on him. Dad was on the floor.”

“Was he unconscious?”

“No. He said he couldn’t breathe so I pressed the panic button. Mom, I'm really scared.”

“I'm on my way Tim. What hospital?”

“New York Presbyterian.”

CJ hung up the phone, losing all the composure she had with Tim. She started shouting for Bill but he did not come. Of course he didn’t; he was gone. Agent Sean Mosley stuck his head into the office…Nora was right behind him. She did not like the sound of CJ’s voice.

“Mrs. McGarry, are you alright?”

“No, I'm not.” CJ stood. She started gathering things up, not knowing what she needed and what was useless. She felt as if she was going to vomit. “My husband is being rushed to the hospital.”

That set Nora into motion. Her quick thinking got CJ out of the office. She even managed to get her into her coat. She told Donna what was happening and where they were going.

“What can I do?” the blonde asked.

“Say a prayer, call the family, and stay by the phone. I will call you as soon as we have news.”

In the back of the SUV, CJ lost it. It was something Nora expected. She put her arms around her and held on. CJ told her everything she knew, which was little.

“What if it was another heart attack Nora? What if I get there and…”

“Stop it. Remember when Toby had his heart attack; remember what you said. You would know if he left you. Try to think CJ, has he been sick? Secretive? Is there anything you can think of?”

Leo had been fine. She knew what her husband was like when he was keeping something. None of that behavior came to mind. A week ago he complained that he was not feeling well, and he had a slight fever, but after a day and night resting Leo said he was fine. His routine had not changed in the past few weeks.

“He would not keep this from me.” CJ shook her head and wiped her tears. She did not want to fall apart in front of the children. “He promised that he wouldn’t.”

“OK, OK. We will be there soon. We will find out exactly what's happening.”

New York Presbyterian was very active. CJ did not know how they did it but the press was already there. Damn ambulance chasers! Still photographs were being taken and at least two eager reporters tried to get a comment.

“Mrs. McGarry, Mrs. McGarry, did your husband suffer another heart attack?”

“Mrs. McGarry, what's happening?”

“No comment. Please, just give us peace.”

The Secret Service ushered her and Nora quickly into the building. They took her up to the 14th floor, where her children rushed into her arms. As hard as she tried their mother could not control the flow of her tears.

“Where is your father?” CJ asked.

“They won't tell us anything.” Tim said. “We were waiting for you.”

Nora went to the nurses’ station while CJ stayed with her children. The Secret Service was nearby, though they felt safer on the secure wing then in any other place in the hospital.

“The doctor is on her way.” Nora returned to them.

CJ took a deep breath. She had to hold it together. She looked at Tim and Charlie; they were terrified.

“Mrs. McGarry, I'm Dr. Reyes.”

“Hello.” CJ shook her hand. “We can talk over here.”

They stepped a few feet away. She looked over at Tim and Charlie. They were clinging to Nora just as they had clung to her. What would she do without Nora? the fear of her children was palpable and it lay heavy in her stomach.

“The Vice-President was brought in experiencing shortness of breath and decreased pulse and heart rhythm.”

“Chest pains?” CJ asked.

“No. We ran an EKG and found that his left ventricle is not pumping properly. It is causing pressure on the other ventricles…we need to open him up.”

“What? Surgery?”

“It is rather routine ma'am. We…”

“My husband having his chest cracked open again is not routine.”

“I sympathize with your fear ma'am, but it is a routine surgery for us.”

“OK. Tell me what it means.”

“It is minimally evasive. We will go in and repair or replace the lower left ventricle. Then we will check the other three for blood flow. If they are running at or below 50%, we will repair or replace.”

“He will be on heart bypass?” CJ asked.

“Yes ma'am.”

“What are his odds?”

“Very good. As I said, this surgery is done frequently here. The Vice-President is in very good hands.”

“How long is the surgery?”

“Generally two to three hours, depending on how much work has to be done. Heart surgeries are delicate.”

She didn’t say anything for a few moments. She looked back at her children and then the doctor.

“Alright.” She took a deep breath. “Can we see him before you take him in?”

“Of course. Right this way.”

“C’mon guys, we’re going to see daddy.”

They went down the hall into Leo’s room. He was hooked up to a heart monitor and wore an oxygen mask. Charlie cried, staying close to her mother.

“C’mere pumpkin.” Leo held out his hand. “I'm OK.”

Tim and Charlie did their best to remain stoic. They kissed their father and told him they loved him.

“I love you both so much.”

“You're not going to leave us, are you daddy?” Charlie asked.

“I don’t control these things but they tell me this surgery is routine. Go to the chapel with your brother and say a prayer.”

The kids left their parents alone. CJ stood at his bedside, clutching his hand.

“I am scared to death.” she whispered.

“I know baby. I'm sorry. I don’t want…”

“Stop it. We don’t have time; you have to have surgery. This is not your fault. I love you and will be waiting for you.”

“I’ll be back.”

“Its selfish, but I want you to promise me.”

“Oh baby…”

“Damn you! Oh God, I'm sorry Leo.” She kissed his hand. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Shh.” Leo squeezed her hand. “CJ, I will fight and I will come back to you. The doctors here are very good doctors.”

“I'm so scared.”

“I know. Pray, and let Nora take care of you. She’s out there right?”

“Yeah.” CJ nodded. She removed Leo’s oxygen mask, pressing her lips on his before putting it back on. “I love you. No matter what happens, I love you.”

“I love you too Claudia Jean. Go now baby.”

She nodded, walking out of the room. They watched them wheel Leo into surgery. Charlie could not stop crying so Tim took her to the chapel to pray. CJ and Nora went out for a smoke. The Secret Service took them to the most private spot they could find outside of the laundry.

“Should I call people?” CJ asked.

“Don’t worry, Donna is taking care of that.”

“It’s going to be all over the five o’clock news. The national news may have it already. I don’t want them all trying to come down here…the press will be relentless. I don’t know Nora.”

“Don’t think about it right now.” She put her hand on CJ’s arm. “All we should be thinking about is Leo coming out of surgery alright.”

CJ nodded but she hardly heard her. She was in another place. She was outside of GW Medical Center on a warm spring morning. Her husband had just been airlifted from Camp David, where he had suffered a massive heart attack.

“CJ?”

“Hmm?” her eyes focused again. “I need to make a phone call. Will you check on Tim and Charlie?”

“Definitely. Don’t stay down here too long…it’s a bit seedy.”

Nora went back upstairs with one of the agents. CJ flipped open her cell phone and pressed eight. It rang a few times before voicemail picked up.

‘You’ve reached Bill Grayson. Leave a message and I will return your call. Thanks.’ BEEP!

“Hey, it’s me, and um…I need you right now. I'm at New York Presbyterian and Leo is having heart surgery. Tim found him on the floor this morning and I don’t…Bill, I just feel so helpless. Call me, OK?”

She hung up and took a deep breath. She thought of another cigarette but then thought of Leo up there on that operating table and went back into the hospital. The kids were worried and restless. CJ thought it was a better idea for them to go home. Charlie wanted to argue but knew it was not a good idea.

“What about when he comes out of surgery?” the girl asked.

“He will be heavily sedated Charlie. You can come back tomorrow to see him before school, I promise.”

Tim wanted to know if his mother would be alright alone.

“Aunt Nora will be here with me.” she put her hands on their shoulders. “I will call you as soon as we know something.”

They nodded, and though not overjoyed, they left with three agents. CJ and Nora sat in the waiting room. CNN was on mute, breaking news was right outside. Watching closed caption, CJ read about her husband being rushed to the hospital but no other information was available.

“Let the BS begin.” CJ muttered. “I cannot stand the waiting. How long has it been?”

“About an hour. We have time; do you want to talk?”

“About what?”

“How you feel?”

“Hell no.” CJ smirked. “I'm not opening that wound.”

“I don’t want to push, but…”

“You're going to anyway.”

“CJ…”

“I'm scared to death Nora. And the reason I'm not sitting here falling apart is that I'm numb. When I left home this morning my husband was fine and now they're reopening his chest in an operating room. Our son found him on the floor unable to breathe. I cannot imagine how scary it must have been for him. And the fucking press is outside gathering like vultures. I can't lose him…I cannot…I love him so much I'm afraid that if his heart stops beating mine will too. We were getting our second chance. Oh hell, this was probably our fourth chance. I'm angry and I'm scared. I want to pinch myself and wake up.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s it. Those are your words of wisdom? I've seen you do much better than that in less dire situations.”

“I know you're scared. I am too. So, we just pray. The doctor said it was routine and Leo is nothing if not a fighter.”

“I know.” CJ nodded, felt the tears roll down her face. I just…”

“CJ?”

She looked up and Bill was standing in the doorway. She rushed over, throwing her arms around him. When she was in his arms, she let go and bawled like a baby. He led her over to the couch and held her until it was all out. She reemerged CJ McGarry.

“I cannot believe you're here.” She caressed her old Agent’s face. Bill smiled.

“I'm at a seminar all week. I was actually going to call you and the Vice-President tomorrow and try to set up dinner. Hi Nora.”

“Hey Bill. Look after her while I go and call Toby.”

“How is he?” Bill asked.

“He's in surgery. His left ventricle is not functioning properly.”

“It’s a usual side effect with heart attack victims.”

“They say it’s a routine surgery but what is so routine about opening up his chest?”

“I know you're scared.”

CJ laughed, that was putting it mildly. What was more intense than scared? Terrified? Yeah, maybe terrified could touch the tip of how she felt right now.

“We left the White House because this was one of my fears. Now here we are…I thought we were safe.”

“Your husband has heart problems. This kind of surgery was something that you were going to have to go through eventually. I know you’ve thought about it.”

“You look good.” CJ said, changing the subject.

“I feel good. I love my new job though its not as adventurous as my old one.”

“And Candice?”

“We are still seeing each other. I attended a family barbecue this past weekend.”

“Uh uh, that’s big time. I remember when Leo met my family…I wish I could forget.”

“I know.” Bill smiled. “I think its about time I settled down. A wife and a few kids would be nice. She is a great woman.”

“She will definitely have a great man. When do I get to meet her?”

“Soon. Once the Vice-President recuperates I will bring her up. She’s heard a lot about you.”

“Good things I hope.”

“Only the best.” Bill replied. “How are the kids?”

“Fine, before today. Now they are worried sick. I sent them home; was that a good idea?”

“Yes. A hospital waiting room is no place for a scared kid.”

“What am I going to tell them?” she asked. “You know, if he doesn’t…?”

“Hey, don’t go there. You are not a pessimist; don’t start now. First instinct, what would Leo do?”

CJ smiled, rolling her eyes.

“He wouldn’t ever leave me, or the kids. He’s going to make it.”

“There you go. Hold onto that Claudia Jean.”

“I love that you call me by my first name now. I'm much more comfortable.”

“You weren’t comfortable before? Coulda fooled me ma'am.”

“You're family and that’s forever. We are like the mafia.”

***

Two and a half hours later, Dr. Reyes walked into the doorway of the waiting room. CJ was sitting on the couch, holding hands with Bill and Nora. She had prayed, talked to God, yelled at God, begged, promised, made deals; she did everything she could think of. CJ looked at the doctor, unable to read her eyes. She got up and walked over to her.

“The surgery was a success Mrs. McGarry.”

Without any warning, the former Second Lady broke down sobbing. Bill was immediately at her side. It took a few minutes but she got it together, holding up her hand so the doctor could give her a few minutes to collect herself.

“I'm so sorry.” CJ said.

“Its quite alright Mrs. McGarry.”

“Its just the whole time I was sitting here there were so many scenarios running through my head about what would happen when you came back. As hard as I tried, none of them were good.”

“Well, I'm here to tell you that its good. We replaced the top and bottom left ventricle and did repair to the top right. His heart is pumping well and blood flow has returned to normal. There should be no more shortness of breath or slow heart rhythm.”

“How did his heart look, as a doctor?”

“For what your husband as been through, his heart looked decent. Patients who have suffered through what he suffered usually succumb to another heart attack within three years. He is still going strong.”

“What's the prognosis?”

“I don’t foresee any major problems concerning his heart as long as he maintains his medical regiment. He can continue to live as he has.”

They wanted to keep him for 48 hours and then send him home to rest for seven to ten days. After that he could go back to light exercise and most of his normal activities. In two weeks, he would be back for a checkup and then another at the five week mark. After six weeks, the Vice-President would be able to return to all normal activities.

“That includes sexual activity, Mrs. McGarry.”

“That is the last thing on my mind Doctor. I need to see him.”

“Of course. He is in post-op and heavily sedated. You can stay for ten minutes but no longer. Would you like the hospital to make a statement to the press?”

“Oh God yes…I don’t want to deal with them. They are definitely circling and getting antsy. I don’t want to see speculative reports of my husband’s death. I don’t want my children and or loved ones to see that.”

“Yes ma'am. We will have someone from PR speak to you.”

“Thank you, for everything Dr. Reyes.”

Taking a deep breath, she squeezed Bill’s hand. Then she went and hugged Nora.

“You're always here, aren’t you?” she whispered.

“Because I love you and Leo too. Go and see him.”

In the hospital room he was heavily sedated. The quiet was pierced by the constant beep of heart monitors attached to Leo’s body.

“Hey there.” She whispered. She took a deep breath but didn’t try to stop the tears. The hand she held in her own was warm. “Its really good to see you. I knew you'd come back to me.”

Leo opened his eyes a bit; smiled for his wife.

“Hey baby.”

“Shh, don’t talk. It looks like you beat the rap one more time Leopold.”

“Irish luck. I love you Claudia Jean.”

“I love you too. Please stop talking; you really need to rest. I can't stay long, they're going to kick me out. The doctors say you're going to be alright. They’ll keep you a little while but then its home to rest.”

“No separate beds.” Leo mumbled.

“No, I promise.” she kissed his forehead. “I have to go and talk to some people so the hospital can release a statement. Its all over the news. Don’t worry about that though. Rest should be the only thing on your mind. I will be back in the morning with the kids.”

She kissed his lips softly, stroked his face.

“I love you Leo Thomas McGarry. I love you so much.”

“Love you too. Goodnight.”

CJ smiled, kissing his hand before leaving. Meredith Goldman, New York Presbyterian’s public relations guru, sat down with CJ and Nora. They created a brief, honest statement to be read by Mrs. Goldman; no questions would be taken tonight. Then the Secret Service took the two women through the side exit, down far too many steps, out a side door, and into an SUV. CJ didn’t care who liked it, she lit a cigarette. Nora followed suit. They drove back to the office building, where her Mustang was parked.

“I will call everyone and let them know he is going to be alright.” She said.

“Thank you, for everything. I know people are sitting by the phone. I will call Jed and Abbey myself.”

“Yeah. Don’t come back to the office for a few days…I have it all under control. Goodnight Bill. It was good to see you again.”

“Goodnight.”

The driver watched Nora walk into the underground lot before pulling off. CJ smiled at Bill.

“Let me make a phone call.” She said.

“Take your time.”

CJ called home; Tim picked up the phone.

“Mom, what's happening? Charlie, its mom!”

“Sweetie, daddy came out of surgery fine. I talked to him.”

“He is going to be alright?”

“Yes. We’ll all go over to see him tomorrow morning. I'm bringing an old friend home.”

“Who?”

“Bill Grayson.”

“Really? Charlie, Bill’s coming home with mom.”

“Did you and your sister eat dinner?” CJ asked.

“Uh huh, and I walked the dog. We’re OK.”

“I will be home soon.”

“Thanks mom. See you soon.”

CJ flipped her phone closed.

“I'm starving. Are you hungry?”

“A bit.”

“Kevin?” CJ tapped on the glass. “Chic Filet drive-thru. Two of the usual.”

“Yes ma'am.”

“God, I cannot believe I'm looking at you.” She took his hand. “I needed you and you came.”

“Did Leo look alright?”

“Yeah. Dr. Reyes said the prognosis is good. She said his heart looked decent for a man who had the traumas he did. I will just keep praying.”

“And things are alright with the two of you?”

CJ knew what he was asking. She nodded; things couldn’t be better. That was why what happened today was so shattering. The McGarrys were having the time of their lives. When he healed, they would continue to do so. Twenty minutes later, the luxury car pulled up in front of CJ’s Central Park West building. She and Bill got out; he grabbed the dinner bags from the chauffer. Up in the condo, she hugged and kissed her children.

“Daddy’s really going to be OK?” Charlie asked.

Bill could not get over how grown up the McGarry children looked. Tim was tall and lean; Charlie shorter with a sweet face.

“He is resting comfortably. Bill and I are going to eat dinner in the kitchen.”

Winston came over and sniffed at Bill. The Secret Service Agent bent down to pet him. Winston sniffed his hand and then licked it. They went into the kitchen, where CJ collapsed into a chair. Conversation was slow while they ate. It just felt good to be in each other’s presence.

“I like your hair.” Bill said.

“Really? I'm thinking of cutting it. Its getting too long. How is Investigations?”

“I love my job. The hours are much better and I have more time for a personal life.”

“How did you get stuck with me for almost 15 years?” she asked.

“Stuck? I didn’t feel like that. I loved what I did…we all did.”

“Even with all the drama?” 

“It was a marriage; it was expected. I never judged you or Leo. You both held up very well under all that pressure.”

“Will you tell me something you couldn’t before?”

“What?” Bill raised an eyebrow.

“Did you hate Leo for a little while? After we had the big fight?”

“Yes. I shouldn’t have, I know, I was too…” he let the sentence die.

“Yeah.” She nodded.

He finished his dinner and checked his watch.

“How long are you in town?”

“A couple more days. You're going to be busy so I won't bother you. I will call you when I get back to DC and we will make plans.”

“You better bring Candice with you.”

“Yes ma'am.”

CJ walked him to the door. It was a walk they had taken before and CJ felt the same emotion now as she did then. The kids said goodbye to Bill as they watched rugby on the large screen TV.

“Bye Tim; bye Charlie.” He turned to CJ. “No tears.”

“I can't promise. Its been an emotional day. Thank you for being here.”

They hugged and Bill kissed her cheek. He wiped her tears and they hugged again.

“Bye CJ.”

“Goodbye. Be safe when you get back to DC.”

“Yes ma'am.”

She hugged him once more and then joined her children on the couch. Tim and Charlie rested on her; she put her arms around them.

“I love you guys.” She kissed Charlie’s forehead and then Tim’s.

“Love you too mom.”

They watched rugby together, trying to let go of the gravity of the day.

***

CJ didn’t sleep well but the next morning she was up with the kids to go to the hospital before school. She rested her eyes while the kids ate oatmeal and then again in the car on the way. They went up to the 14th floor; Charlie looked at her.

“Mom, dad is not hooked up to a bunch of machines, is he? Is it going to be scary in there?”

Tim looked at his mother for a reply. He had been too afraid to ask the question.

“There are some heart monitors but he is breathing on his own. He's OK.”

They went into the room and looked at their sleeping father.

“Dad?”

Leo opened his eyes. He smiled at the children and they went over to him. It was a bit hard to hug but there were kisses and hand squeezing. CJ stood back some and let the children have their moment. They had been so little when he had the heart attack. Tim had a few hazy memories, but they were mostly of his father’s recovery.

“I will be home soon.” Leo said.

“Does it hurt?” Charlie asked.

“It’s a bit uncomfortable but not painful. You can touch me Charlie; I promise not to break.”

She smiled, but hung back just a bit.

“I want you both to have a good day at school and not worry about me.”

“When are you coming home?” Tim asked.

“Tomorrow morning. You guys better go now. I love you.”

They told him the same, kissing him once more. Charlie lingered this time, hugging him as best she could. They also kissed their mother before the Secret Service escorted them to school. CJ pulled the chair up to Leo’s hospital bed.

“Jed wants you to call him today if you are up to it. It was hard for me to talk to him last night; I knew how worried he would be. Abbey sends her love. They want to visit in a few weeks after you’ve rested. Charlie is going to come and sit with you this afternoon.”

“It will be good to see them. I guess I couldn’t talk Charlie out of coming to baby sit me.”

“No way in hell; he is worried about you and wants to make sure for himself you're OK. He said he is bringing the chessboard. Thinks he might be able to beat you if you're not 100%. How are you feeling?” she asked.

“OK. I'm sorry I scared you and the kids.”

“Leo, you weren’t keeping this from me for weeks, were you? You weren’t feeling unwell and ignoring it?”

“No.” he shook his head. “It came on me suddenly in the kitchen and I was scared. I would have told you something like that CJ. I would have told the doctor.”

CJ nodded. They held hands and didn’t talk much.

“Guess who came to sit with me yesterday?”

“Who?”

“Bill. I called him; I was just so scared. He was in town for a seminar so…”

“I'm just glad you didn’t have to be alone. I cannot wait to come home to you. Give me a kiss baby.”

CJ leaned to kiss his lips and then stroked his hair. He was going to be alright; she would nurse him back to health. The fear was still there, and it weighed on her heavily. She knew in a few days, when Leo was home, it would start to fade. She knew she would stay up past his bedtime and check his heartbeat for a while. She knew she would wake in the middle of the night to be sure he was breathing. She knew she would hover and maybe piss him off. Maybe he would yell, maybe she would cry. Then he would hold her and say nothing was promised to them. CJ would be afraid of sex, of intimacy in any form, for a while. Her desire to be close to him and her fear of it would be a problem she was not sure how to solve. All of this was coming, she was aware of it, and she didn’t know how to stop it.

“Good morning Mr. McGarry.” A Hispanic nurse wearing a smile came into the room.

She asked if he had an appetite while she checked his temperature, pulse, blood pressure and heart rate. She took a vial of blood. She informed him that they would need a urine sample in about an hour.

“Is it alright for him to get up and go to the bathroom on his own?” CJ asked.

“If you help him he will be just fine. There are cups on the edge of the sink. My name is Josette, by the way. Would you like an Ensure, Mr. McGarry? We have strawberry this morning.”

“Sure.” Leo smiled. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

“How can I not have an appetite and still be craving filet mignon?” he asked after she left.

“A mystery for the ages. No red meat for you anyway Mister.” She kissed him again. “I love you Leo.”

“I love you too. And hopefully I have a lot more years to do just that.”

“Damn right.”

“You're worried, aren’t you?”

“I have a bit of a right to be. Don’t…”

“I won't. I'm sorry.” He kissed her hand. He wanted to tell her that he would be alright but that might just upset her. Leo would show her; he didn’t need the words right now.

“We’ve just had so many close calls. I just don’t know if we can stand anymore.”

“We can, and maybe we will. We’re strong CJ, you're strong. Maybe you should help me into the bathroom now.”

She knew Leo didn’t like to ask for help but it wasn’t a difficult undertaking. When they came back, he got into bed and fell asleep quickly. CJ watched him sleep and said one more prayer for his recovery and his life. She also said one for her strength and their enduring love.

***


End file.
